just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
