why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
