oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
