I accidentally had phone sex last night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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