I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
