I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
