I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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