this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
