dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
