woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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