I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
