i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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