I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
