theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
