These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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