he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
