I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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