she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
