Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
