This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
