somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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