chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
