You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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