i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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