there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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