awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
