My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
