I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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