How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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