remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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