Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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