I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
