the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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