wakey wakey hands off snakey
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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