At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
