I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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