mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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