I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
