we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
