can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
