I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
