can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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