you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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