he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
