I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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