During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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