I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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