Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
