Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm always down for nudity.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
