i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
