in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
