Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
