Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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